What a world that I’m livin’ in,
Will the rainstorms ever end?
Still I feel my path narrow,
I run again,
Seems happiness is gone again,
And then you see ’em,
Grey clouds up above man,
Metaphor to my life man.
Sky Might Fall – Kid Cudi
I’m thankful for a lot of things;
Being able to share my journey
Being able to write down my thoughts
Being able to see things
Being able to hear things
Being able to drive
Having a roof over my head
Having my own transportation
The last several weeks and this one notwithstanding have been extremely tough. I’ve never wanted more certainty that things will get better than I have recently. There’s too much change, too much uncertainty of what’s next to be content. First I had my Ultrasound and CT Scans, received the results, which didn’t look good to me. Doctor didn’t seem to be too worried, tells me they’re going to talk about my case this coming Friday at their monthly ThyCa conference. The same day I received the results, my employer tells us that they’re switching health insurance providers. I’ve gone through the stress of what am I supposed to do now. I’ve come to grips that I won’t be able to continue treatment with my original medical team and that I’ll have to find new Doctors and possibly start all over again and go through more testing, scans, blood draws. Will I get better treatment? Will it be worse? Will it cost more? Will it cost less? How do I find new doctors? The uncertainty of everything sucks.
Today I’m told I should look at moving to a different employer as they’re not renewing the contract with my current one at the end of the month. It’s either that or I’ll likely lose my job, however, they didn’t say those exact words. Tomorrow’s meetings shall prove to be interesting.
In less than a week, I now have to start thinking about health insurance all over again and what I’m supposed to do by the end of the month. Essentially having to go through this process twice in a month. I previously thought that this timing couldn’t be any worse, today’s news just makes it more so. I don’t know if my original Endocrinologist is going to still bring up my case and call me with what they feel my next steps should be. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with those recommendations, I don’t know if I actually have insurance at this very moment. I received a letter today from Group Health informing me that they are no longer covering me. Yet, I don’t have anything from the new health insurance.
Am I truly a survivor? Did I get this put on my wrist pre-maturely? When is one considered a survivor? What does being a survivor mean?
I honestly don’t know how much more I can take before I break. I’m exhausted, I just want to be done. I need help. I need to know how to ask for help. I need certainty that things are going to get better. I want to feel that hope that I had when I scheduled the surgery that would likely have given me a stronger voice. I want you to hear my physical voice again. I want to hear my voice again. I want to be happy, cheerful, confident and hopeful again. I want to be able to write about things that are awesome again. I just want some hope, period.