Conflicted

I haven’t felt this conflicted after a doctor appointment in a really long time.  Maybe it was because I went into it with the perception that it was really only going to be 20 minutes, not two hours… Maybe it was not knowing that I’d have to talk to so many new people.  Maybe it was trying to work with a new speech pathologist and trying out her techniques with little success.  Maybe it was going into it with the thought that they’d do the normal scope down my nose, we’d talk about it and I’d ask about the nerve muscle pedicle surgery, he’d say, “sure, lets do it”, but that’s not exactly how it all went.

I could sense the disappointment that everyone was feeling that my voice wasn’t much better.  I’m more disappointed that it’s not much better.  I’m disappointed that I couldn’t do the techniques that the speech pathologist was trying to get me to do.

It’s rough knowing that I’ll be going in for another surgery on my voice.  Knowing that somehow, someway they can find a better voice in there gives me some hope.

In my mind I really want the pedicle surgery.  Dr. Merati today talked about doing a revision of the implant surgery though.  He’s going to refer me to see his colleague Dr. Hillel to get his opinion on the next best step though. However, we agreed that I need to get my sinus surgery done first.

Unfortunately, that sinus surgery was going to be this Thursday, but not now.  This mass that wasn’t found when I went in for the FNA is preventing me from getting my nose fixed.  I’ve really had to work on my patience this month.  Part of me hopes that it was worth putting off the surgery to get the results from a PET scan, the other, of course it’ll be nice if the scan comes back clear too.

Stupid cancer.  I’m trying to move on with life and forget about it all.  I really would love to have a month without going to see a doctor.  I want to be able to go to an appointment and not have to work late to make up the hours missed, since we don’t get sick days and only 5 days of vacation a year. I needed some time to absorb/decompress after my appointment today but couldn’t do it, I had to get to work.

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