Mama always said I’ll find my way back
Back home
So tell me why am I still lost in limbo
With nowhere to go

 God knows I’m trying, I’m fighting to get out of here
Oh but sometimes it’s hard not to give into fear
I build myself up ‘cause I want it so much
I need to break for real

 I’m headed for somewhere else
‘Cause it’s a long way home
Courage to carry on
I’ve got to be oh so strong
‘Cause it’s a long way home

 I’m headed for somewhere else
I’m guessing the time will tell
‘Cause it’s a long way home
Courage to carry on
And now I got to be oh so strong
‘Cause it’s a long way home

I’m headed for somewhere else
But it’s a long way home
Courage to carry on
‘Cause it’s a long way home

– snipped from Home by Rudimental
I’m writing this one because I find it therapeutic in a way.  The only way you’re going to read it is if you subscribe or you decide to read through the other posts.  I wish I knew who subscribes to my blog by email.  I doubt you’ll want to read any further.  I’m writing this one for myself.
I’m lonely.  I’m alone.  I need to make changes in my life.  I need to get my own place.  I can’t continue living this way.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I HATE IT  I’m so unhappy.  I’m depressed.  I don’t know if it’s my thyroid meds that are causing this or simply magnifying it.  No one really talks about the mental side of this shit.  I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.  I feel like I’m not doing anything productive.  What am I doing to make this a better place?  Nothing.  All I do is go through the motions.  Get up, go to work, come home, sit in my room, sleep, rinse & repeat.  I’m tired, physically, mentally, spiritually.  I just want to give up.
I’ve lost interest in nearly everything.  I hate talking.  I hate this thing called my voice.  I hate what this cancer has done to me.  I hate myself for not actually calling to make an appointment to meet a general physician.  I keep this paper from Dr. Roth in my pocket with three recommendations, and I’ve looked them up many times on the internet.  Yet when it comes to making an appointment with them I just don’t do it.  Why?  Why do I always procrastinate with everything when it comes to my life?  Look at what procrastinating has done to me.  It’s permanently fucked me up.  I’ll never be who I once was.  Yet, I still find myself procrastinating.
I want to get a bike for the exercise.  I want to get a bike to get away.  I need to get away.  I need to make a change.  I don’t know how to make a change.  I’m scared to make a change.  The fear of making a change is preventing me from making a change. 
I need, want, have to be happy again.  How do I get there?  Cause right now I’m headed for somewhere else and I’m scared about where that might be.

One thought on “Home

  1. Matt,

    Know that you make a bigger difference than you know. You have touched so many people and I know you continue to bring smiles to people on a daily basis. Let me know if there is anything I can ever do to encourage you. Whether it be an occasional e-mail or phone call, I am happy to do what I can. It's always hard to reconnect but I pretty much think of you as family, even if we don't talk much. Stay strong, and as always it is good to hear what you are going through, even if it is not always good news.

    Love ya bro,


    PS. Finally finishing Band of Brothers. Can't figure out what took me so long to watch it. It is pretty darn good. The Pacific will be next.


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