Walk Alone

I want to write something, but I don’t know what it is.  I have things to say, but I don’t know how to say them.

I haven’t been the same person I was 2.5 years ago.  I’ve gone through things that no one else I know has.  I can’t talk about it with anyone, they don’t have any perspective.  They don’t know what it’s like to lay motionless on a table with their neck cut open and doctors cutting, drilling, stitching things while you’re there awake in pain from a stupid roll under their shoulder for five hours.  Afraid to say anything because you don’t want to move.  You don’t want to do anything that might risk the outcome of the surgery.  They don’t know what phonation time is and why it’s been so important to me for 2.5 years.  They don’t know what it’s like to have that phonation time doubled or tripled while you’re laying there on the operation table.  They don’t know what it was like when I heard my old voice 3 months after it went away, but only because there was a needle going through their neck pushing the vocal cords together, only to lose that voice once the needle was removed.  They don’t know what’s like to have to swallow carefully and deliberately every single time or risk choking.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I don’t know how to let myself share what I’m dealing with.

Everything that has happened (or not happened) after this last appointment has only made things worse.

Apparently I can no longer read the notes from the ultrasounds.  I’m supposed to be getting a referral to see a psychologist, which still hasn’t happened 3 weeks later.  I had a hell of a week last week trying to get a prescription filled, and it’s possible I’ll be going through it all again next week.  Whenever I call the office, I have to leave a voicemail which doesn’t always get returned.  I still don’t have resolution of the PET Scan bill from last May.  Nothing like having a potential $12,000 bill hanging over your head.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of going through this alone. I’m tired of being alone at work.  When can I get some long-term happiness in my life?


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